Sorry crazies, I haven’t had the chance to write lately. It’s extra annoying because I had a situation with GoDaddy where this site’s account was attached to Blondie’s bank account and they charged her for another year of hosting. She didn’t know what it was and cancelled it. And in order for me to save the site I had to pay the extra year in addition to a massive “bounce” fee. UGH. I should really be writing more to make it worth our while.

Anyway, I wanted to touch on a topic that’s been eating away at me but I need to preface it first. In June I met someone. Finally. For the past three years I’ve gone on a series of shit dates and undertaken even shittier mini relationships. They ended in either me ghosting them or them ghosting me with no real reason other than the fact that we probably preferred being alone than being in the company of one another.

There was something different about this situation and I have no idea what it was. But I will say this. Ultimately in courtship it’s entirely up to the man to make it work. Sure, what if a man is pursuing a woman who shows no interest? That’s not what I’m talking about. So long as it starts based on mutual attraction the seriousness of the relationship is up to the intensity of the man’s interest.

Let’s break this situation down. I met Theo* on the Inner Circle – an invite-only dating app. I’d had an account for a few years, but logged off for good after realising the pool was tiny. Dolce encouraged me to get back on and I quickly met Theo. He invited me out for a drink to Bluebird Cafe in Chelsea.

We ordered a large glass of rose each, then another, then he ordered a bottle and then another. For the record I cannot drink much. But on this occasion I did. I was absolutely blackout by the end of the night. We headed back to his place not far from the cafe and I proceeded to go completely and totally insane. There is no point in me going into what was even said. I just lost it at him for no reason and stomped out. He offered to get me an Uber, I said I’d walk home. It was 3am.

I got home and cried a lot and called a few friends, unable to explain what had happened, which is proof enough that nothing had. My tantrum was completely unjustified. One (who of course means well) asked me if I could set up an appointment with my old therapist. Yes, it was that bad.

The next day I woke up supremely hungover and to a text from him. “Heeeyyy, you okay?” Huh, he still wants to talk to me. I told him I had no idea what happened the night before and he called to say he’d like to meet up for coffee to discuss it. I agreed, not realising how terrible I felt.

A few hours later, we were at a coffee shop near my flat. I couldn’t stomach much so I’d ordered mint tea. He told me he had a great time with me the night prior except for the last 5 mins which he didn’t understand. I told him I was sorry and completely black out so I could not explain my behaviour. In my mind, if he never wanted to speak to me again that would be perfectly understandable. Oh but wait, it gets so much better. Or worse. Still not sure which one.

As we were talking I was hit with an extreme wave of nausea. I apologised an said I’d have to go home now as I wasn’t feeling great. He said, no problem. He’d walk me. UGH NO. As soon as we turned the corner from the coffee shop he said something like, “You know, you tried to get me to finish my last glass of rose last night.” As soon as he said that I got sick on the curb. Like really sick. Poor guy.

“I’m sufficiently mortified now,” I said as I popped back up. A small child with his family watched me as I got sick from the high street. Theo laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. I just couldn’t. We went to my rooftop to talk briefly as I felt a little better and then he was on his way. He asked me to text him when I was feeling better.

Again, I fully didn’t expect to hear from him. But a day later he invited me to go to a trendy workout class with him that Wednesday.

The class was great and he was lovely. And dinner afterward was perfect. Everything after this date has been a total blur, but we’ve been in a serious relationship ever since.

All those “hard to have” conversations early on have been effortless. I turned it into a joke when he asked me why my Inner Circle app had so many notification: “Would you like me to delete it?” We sat on the Circle line platform at High Street Ken one morning and deleted all our dating apps together. I’m actually bothered by how little of the detail I can remember from this period.

About a week ago he asked me if I would go to Croatia with him in August. Because I just took leave, I said only the end of August would work. He moved some trips to Ibiza and St Tropez around and made it work. A man has never without coaxing wanted to go on holiday with me before, let alone completely plan it by himself.

All of this goes back to one fact I cannot ignore. He’s clearly more invested in me than I likely am in in him. I’m in no way saying I’m not into him, he’s just that much more into me. I made a complete fool of myself in the first two days we knew one another. Perhaps I got my expectations in check early in that I had none. That’s good though I suppose. With 0 expectations, any effort is a surprise, right?

Over the past few years I’ve found myself in a number of completely unfulfilling relationships where I was more into the guy than he was me. No matter how hard I tried, how much effort I put into my appearance, my clothes, at the gym, nothing was enough to maintain his attention. Case in point, prior to meeting Theo, I was seeing a South African lawyer. We met in early March and dated through June. In that time (and I’ve counted) we saw each other five times. That’s it. He would continuously send me these innocuous WhatsApps being like, “how was your day, how was your weekend, how was your week?” And I was like “Dude, not even I care.” Any time I’d ask him to do something, he’d have some reason he couldn’t. I tried SO hard with him. And then he booked a solo trip to South America without even telling me before hand.

I think my point is, where the relationship goes is up to the man. If there is interest on the part of the women, the man must lead otherwise there is no future. That whole idea that he grows to need you is crap too because he’s spent the whole relationship taking you for granted. That just won’t change.

I feel like this piece is not as coherent as I’d like for it to be. It’s just something that’s been eating away at me since I met Theo and honestly I have no control over the matter. If he loses interest tomorrow well then. That’s how it is.

*Names have been changed for privacy

Update: Not a direct update to this piece, but Theo and I are still together. The South African mentioned toward the end spent so long not seeing me that when he finally asked me out a week ago I had to be the bearer of bad news. When I told him I wasn’t able to meet up because I was seriously seeing someone else, he said something to the effect of: “Good for you. If you’d like to meet up platonically, let me know…”  I promptly ignored that message thinking it would be far more polite than saying: “No, I don’t want to be friends with you. We were never friends. I have too many friends I avoid spending time with, as if I need another one.” Well, less than 24 hours later he blocked me anyway. Le sigh.